It’s about the repair, not the rupture

This morning I accidentally scared the shit out of Ginny.

She was chewing on the lever of an air vent in the kitchen and I noticed there was a spider, the size of Aragog from the Harry Potter series, next to her.

I didn’t want her to get it and spiders that size that are in my living spaces have to die. (Don’t come at me with, “But they kill other bugs etc,” I know that and my house, my choice.)

I got her away from it, had the can of bug spray, and sprayed it.

It made a run for it from the vent area toward the fridge and I made a (very loud I guess) stomping sound (may have yelled too, IDK) and Ginny ran for the living room. 

I felt so bad that I scared her but killing the spider was my main priority and I knew that I could repair the situation with Ginny.

We all do things we wouldn’t normally do when we’re freaked out. That’s us responding from our primitive brain and not our prefrontal cortex. It’s not a problem, we just need to be aware so we can make a more conscious decision next time.

We wouldn’t usually yell at our kids.

We wouldn’t usually snap at our spouse.

We wouldn’t usually make a snarky comment to our co-worker.

We’re human.

Shit happens.

And to try to NOT do those things is like trying to stop a wave or keep the sun from rising.

They’re going to happen because I will be scared again, hangry again, impatient again, short on sleep again, and always human.

So how ‘bout we shift our attention and energy from “I don’t want to do X ever again,” to, “If I scare her I know I can repair things.” This isn’t to say I don’t give a crap about “messing up” and do it willy nilly. Let’s scooch away from all the black or white.

I believe it was Brenee Brown who said, “It’s not about the rupture (the thing we messed up), it’s about the repair.”

Meaning, we’re human and going to screw up. The important thing is the apology and practicing improved behavior and pausing before reacting next time.

I know I can get impatient and controlling when I’m scared or feeling really anxious.

So instead of trying to never be impatient, controlling, or anxious (talk about a completely futile task), I’m going to notice what’s going on inside me, tell Sully cuz she’s my person, and figure out what would be helpful/supportive for me in the situation.

Or when I am those things and shove my foot in my mouth, I will apologize.

When I came home, Ginny was fine, and if she was nervous about coming into the kitchen with me I had a plan for how undo her fear.

We are humans, not robots, and I totally get that we want to “never do the thing again” so we can try to avoid the pain and discomfort that comes with doing the thing.

But that’s not a viable option so let’s take it off the table and work with what’s likely to happen and set you up for success!

You got this, Sunshine and I’ve always got your back!