Let’s say you live in an apartment complex that has 4 buildings.

There’re no assigned parking spaces but a guy who lives in another building usually parks in front of the building you live in.

You think he should park in front of the building they live in.

This really gets under your skin.

You left notes on their car stating he should park in front of their building.

He keeps parking in front of your building.

Then you take it a step further and park your car so close to his door he can’t get in it on the driver side.

He calls the police.

I used to be that girl.

For years.

I dated the first guy that gave me attention.

And I stayed with him for 5 years through treating me with minimal consideration, microscopic amounts of respect, 3 rounds of infidelity, and 1 STD.

I thought it would get better.

I thought I could change him.

I thought, “If I just do X, Y, and Z, then he would change, see my worth, and the relationship would be good.”

Our nervous systems are like thermostats.

We each have a unique range for what we have capacity and tolerance for.

This range is created during childhood to keep us safe because that’s all our primitive brains care about. 

Whether you grew up in a chaotic home with substance abuse, your family looked like the Cleavers, was somewhere in between. Your nervous system is normal and it just wants you to be safe and survive.

My range used to be pretty small and very sensitive. It didn’t take much to activate it and all of a sudden I was in fight or flight trying to prepare for whatever came next. 

You’re cruising along, practicing being 1% more compassionate with yourself, deciding when you’re going to take your 3 weekly walks, ordering a few more veggies in your Instacart, looking at your calendar to give your new friend coffee date options…

And then you call yourself stupid, don’t put your shoes on, let the veggies spoil in the fridge, and don’t send your friend the dates you’re available.

Then the shame, blame, and the self-flagellation starts…

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Why can’t I follow through with a simple fucking change?”

There were a few different elementary schools that fed into our middle school and the one I went to was in the lowest income part of Fargo. 

I never thought less of anyone I went to school with but I sure had money thoughts about me and my family.

And those thoughts have been in the background of my mind for decades creating my financial results.

Some were conscious thoughts and others were unconscious that I didn’t realize until years later.

Whether you experienced a one-time scary experience like a car accident or were exposed to frequent fights or outbursts from your parents, your nervous system may be “stuck” in fight or flight and be keeping you hypervigilant long after the event ended.

Our nervous systems do this because they think they have to in order to keep you alive and that’s all they give a crap about, your perceived safety and potential threats. 

And it doesn’t matter if you tell yourself 29,037 times that, “It’s over, you’re fine, you’re not going to get into an accident every time you’re in a car, mom and dad are dead.”

If you’re not tending to the root fear of your nervous system then you’re basically just putting a Smurfs bandaid on a gushing wound.

It’s “normal” and common to carry everything with us.

For example, we were traveling to Washington state this past Saturday - Tuesday and didn’t get home from the airport until midnight on Tuesday.

Wednesday I had a super fun bookclub after working with my awesome clients.

Thursday we had a Fever game after client appointments.

Friday we met with a group of friends for burgers and beverages at The Red Key.

And Saturday I got to celebrate a high school graduate after seeing clients.

It would’ve been very easy to piss and moan about having a “busy” week and “carry” all the upcoming events with me.

One of the hardest things about losing someone is that you can’t pick up the phone and ask them questions.

I can’t ask my dad about a family recipe, his childhood experiences, or his opinion about something (althought he was great at unsolicited advice that I never took, LOL).

I can’t ask my mom about her mom’s side of the family which I know very little about and it’s a bummer.

Our choice of words and their repetition are more powerful than we give them credit for.

What we think on repeat creates the life we have because we are creative beings with more power than we’re willing, or brave enough, to acknowledge.

We think we’re the victims of our circumstances, and yes, shitty things happen, but you still have power over how you think about them and how you respond.

Start by noticing your “I am” statements, or because I like contractions, your “I’m” statements, LOL.

Sully and I went to Costco yesterday to fill our gas tanks, get a pepperoni pizza from the food court (OMG, so yummy!), and a few other essentials (like walleye, vodka, and probiotics, LOL).

While we were searching for the ranch dressing we ran into a friend who just retired.

It was so great to see her and catch up for a second. 

We told her about our upcoming trip to the Gorge to see Brandi Carlile and the Highwomen and she mentioned that she just wants to be happy now that she’s retired.

And I totally get that.

Sometimes the next right thing is to leave the job, make friends, or get back to doing some cardio and having smaller servings of nightly ice cream.

The phone that’s in your hand or near you started with a thought. Something like, “Hey, wouldn’t it be amazing if every device was consolidated into one that you could easily carry around?!”

Our two dogs started with the thought, “Let’s get a/another dog.”

Same-sex marriage exists, because people thought it should and worked really hard to make it so.

The stickers covering my water bottle and travel coffee mug are there because people had the idea that their images and funny phrases should be made into stickers.

Systems of oppression exist because too many people think and believe they should, and not enough of us are taking steps to undo them.

I have a super fun addiction that takes a lot of effort to not let it run wild!

I can’t help myself and I give into it any chance I get!

My hand takes on a mind of its own and all of a sudden I’m doing the thing without even noticing it.

And I’ll never stop because it brings me so much joy and makes the world a prettier place.

I’m addicted to deadheading flowers and plants!

If a bloom or leaf is dead, I’m picking it off.

It served it’s beatuiful purpose and now it’s time to remove it with gratitude.

That also sums up the work I do with my coaching and energy work clients.

There is a profound, bone-deep fatigue that rarely gets talked about in the open. For decades, you navigated hardships, solved crises, and weathered storms. You did this under the unspoken assumption that if you just worked hard enough, you would eventually reach a quiet plateau—a finish line where nothing else would go wrong.

I have a visceral aversion to the word perfect because it’s complete and utter bullshit.

It sets us up for frustration and shame when we try to attain something that’s, wait for it…unattainable and impossible!

And we keep trying to make everything perfect because we subconsciously believe the lie that we’ll be happier or ok when things are perfect. 

How heavy is it?

How crushing is it to carry around every day?

How much do you let it make you feel like shit?

Then add on the shame and blame and you have a few semitrucks on your back and on your mind.

We’ve all been there.

We want something for someone more than they do.

And those somethings are all over the place.

They could be a better job, a happier relationship, better health, stopping smoking or drinking too much. 

They could be better grades, friends who show up, boundaries they follow through on, a more adventurous life, or a more flattering wardrobe.

So we have conversations, make suggestions, beg, plead, give ultimatums, make boundaries we don’t stick to, or offer unsolicited advice.

My coaching clients often share about how bad they feel about themselves.

It can be anywhere from getting down on themselves about something they said or did to their spouse or kids, to ruminating about a conversation at a party, to downright shame and hatred that lingers like a dark cloud.

One client shared that she felt awful about herself because she was let go from her job. Her brain made it mean that something must be wrong with her that they let her go. That she didn’t do enough or lacked in some way she could not figure out even though she was wracking her brain endlessly.

We are mammals.

Sure, we have some additional parts to our brains that make us different from other mammals, but we’re mammals nonetheless.

One super duper important behavior that’s vital to our mental and physical health, has been socialized out of us and we’re suffering unnecessarily.

That behavior is completing the stress cycle.

I’m one of those awesome weirdos who loves to declutter, aka, editing, and organize!

It’s one of my superpowers. (And I never judge when I’m helping someone else fyi!)

It started in 5th grade…

You know the hour well.

It usually happens when the rest of the house is finally quiet. The doors are locked. Everyone you love is safe in their beds.

But you are not safe. You are wide open.

While your body is lying in the safety of your bedroom, your mind is miles away, fighting a war that hasn't started yet.