Why and how to stop taking everything so personally

When I first started my massage therapy career, and a client would cancel an appointment, I would take it so personally!

I’d think, “Why did they cancel? Did I use a level of pressure they didn’t like? Did I use a technique that they didn’t prefer? What did I do wrong that they don’t want to come back in?”

So many self-blaming and shaming thoughts ran through my head that created so much suffering.

I spent so much time and energy trying to figure out what the “problem” was.

Sometimes they’d reschedule a few weeks or months down the road and they’d mention that they had a cold from hell, or work got really squirrely, or their parent fell and they had to care for them for a while, or their spouse lost their job so they had to tighten their purse strings for a while.

Look at that list again. 

How many of them had to do with me?

Zero.

Zero of those reasons had to do with me.

But my brain was convinced that it *had* to be something I did or didn’t do that caused them to cancel and not come back in for a while.

Back then, I had some major thought errors swirling around my brain that only lead to my feeling like crap about myself, wasting A LOT of time solving for a “problem” that didn’t really exist (more on that in a sec), and kept me in a viscous loop of self-hate and not being the ray of f*cking sunshine that I know I really am.

So how did I slowly walk myself outta said mess, and how do I not take things (professional or personal things) personally today? Spoiler alert, it took practice.

When my massage clients would return and share with me what kept them away, I began to build proof and evidence that it wasn’t me at all. It was life and all of its twists and turns. 

So when someone would cancel the next time, and my brain would want to go to the space of, “what did I do wrong?” I could remind it that their actions had nothing to do with me which would calm my nervous system and my feelings of anxiety or self-blame.

One sneaky thing that I didn’t know until a few years ago, was that when we grew up in chaotic homes or with unattentive care givers, we take on the responsibility for what’s happening so we can feel like we can control it and therefore change it. 

If we believe it’s our fault we believe we can fix it. 

This blew my mind because it makes perfect sense! 

When we were little kids and different forms of all hell was breaking loose at home, we wanted a sense of control, so what “better” way to think we can achieve it than to think it’s our fault or responsibility so we can then we try to make it better?!

It’s a very hard pill to swallow that we only have control over our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

We cannot change anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.

Nothing we do will change someone else unless they want it.

And this is one reason to NOT take things so personally!

We do things because of us!

Even if it’s something “nice,” we do it because we want the good feeling or to be of help or service. We aren’t doing it because of them. This is ok, it doesn’t mean anything bad about us. It’s how we’re wired. 

So if we aren’t doing things because of others, and we can’t control others, is it possible that the circumstances that you’re experiencing, truly aren’t personal and literally have nothing to do with you, your value  or worth? And that it’s about them 100%?

Let those possibilities roll around in your brain for a minute…

How does it feel to let those possibilities be truer than the crappy things you’ve thought about yourself?

One last tool and a total fave of mine in countless situations is to ask yourself, “What am I making it mean that they did/ didn’t/ said/ didn’t say X?”

Our brains are meaning making machines!

They’re constantly trying to create certainty, and 99% of the time will default to something negative about you because of negativity bias, and the idea that if it’s your fault you can fix it.

When we know the shenanigans our brains are up to, we can take a breath (I just did, LOL) and work WITH what’s going on up there, tweak it so it’s truer and more compassionate, and then you’ll suffer less.

That’s all I hope for you and my coaching clients. To have a little more awareness about how your brain is totally normal and healthy, and the little tweaks you can make to turn the volume of anxiety and suffering down so you can have more fun and like yourself more!

You got this, Sunshine, and I’ve always got your back!