Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they get access to you

When you’re young you did what you needed to do to get through the day.

You paid attention to your mom’s mood when she comes home.

You counted how many beers your dad had and registered the volume of his voice to gauge the danger level.

You put up with comments about your weight, how your siblings got better grades, or how they were killing it in their sport.

And more often than not, all that crap continues into our adulthood.

You answer every call and text your mom send even though you know she’s going to be passive agressive AF.

You visit your dad whenever you’re in the vacinity because you’d be a terrible daughter if you didn’t and you just have to because not to doesn’t even cross your mind. But you know he’s going to put you down if you cry about the dog you just had to put to sleep.

You agree to host the upcoming holiday even though no one offers to bring anything and they nitpick what you make.

Just because you’ve always done something, does not mean you have to continue doing it.

This is your permission slip to consider not putting yourself in an abusive situation if it’s come to that. 

Not every crappy family situation or relationship is abusive or toxic and there’s lots of nuance.

But you do not need to keep putting yourself in a situation where you are regularly treated worse than how they treat strangers.

Stop for just a second…

Just because someone is family does not mean they automatically get access to you.

Just because someone is family does not give them permission to be an asshole to you on a regular basis. We all have bad moments but they shouldn’t be the norm.

There are no givens, shoulds, or have to’s with people you share DNA.

And it’s deeply in our DNA that we do have truckloads of givens, shoulds, and have to’s with them because for millenia, staying with our pack ensured our survival.

This is why we feel so fucking guilty when we even have the *thought* to create a little distance, put a boundary in place, stand up for ourselves, or not sweep a horrible comment under the rug.

The primitive part of your brain says, “WAIT, YOU CAN’T DO THAT BECAUSE YOU WILL DIE A LONG AND HORRIBLE DEATH IF YOU DO!”

And so you don’t.

You continue eating your humiliation, ignoring the hurtful snide comments, and just hoping that there’s something you can do to get them to treat you better.

There isn’t. 

Their behavior is on them.

Sure, sometimes you can have a conversation with them and if they’re emotionally mature enough and want to change, they’ll take action to do so.

But often that isn’t the case, and you need to be the adult now that you didn’t have back then, and take care of yourself today.

Be easy with yourself if you’re in this situation.

Go slow, give yourself permission to consider doing something that’s been out of the realm of possibility.

You do not need to subject yourself to emotionally or verbally abusive behavior from a family member.

You deserve better and I believe you can do hard things, Sunshine!

I’ve always got your back!