Pay attention to your thoughts!

The phone that’s in your hand or near you started with a thought. Something like, “Hey, wouldn’t it be amazing if every device was consolidated into one that you could easily carry around?!”

Our two dogs started with the thought, “Let’s get a/another dog.”

Same-sex marriage exists, because people thought it should and worked really hard to make it so.

The stickers covering my water bottle and travel coffee mug are there because people had the idea that their images and funny phrases should be made into stickers.

Systems of oppression exist because too many people think and believe they should, and not enough of us are taking steps to undo them.

The sooner you realize that your thoughts, conscious and unconscious, are creating your world, the sooner you’ll realize the true power you have.

For example, my sister lived at home until she got engaged at 29. Rent was cheep, $200/mo., and I was there.

Shortly after she moved out, so did I (at 17) because my parents’ drinking, fighting, and my mom’s Huntington’s Disease symptoms were too much to handle alone even though Wanda and I didn’t talk about it.

When my sister’s birthday came around I sent her a funny card and wrote that I was sorry I couldn’t afford to get her a present and would as soon as possible.

She wrote back a scathing letter asking, “Who do you think you are?! Little Miss Independent who wasn’t going to get me a gift?”

I felt like I’d been slapped across the face really hard.

35 years later, I can see what she may have been thinking and feeling and have some compassion for her.

Back then, my not-fully-developed prefrontal cortex, co-dependent, and anxious attachment style brain, read her letter as a full on threat to my survival.

My sister, Wanda, was really my only “safe” person because my dad was often drunk and at the bar, and my mom was getting sicker all the time. So Wanda = survival, even though she moved four hours away.

So when I read the letter accusing me of doing something horrible to my person, my primitive brain freaked the fuck out and did what it thought it had to do to survive.

And that was shrink in every way I could think of, and punish myself because clearly I was a bad person.

I thought something like, “OMG, I didn’t realize that being brave and getting the hell out of the house asap was a bad thing. It seemed like the sanest thing to do for myself. Doing big brave things isn’t ok. Don’t do that again!”

So that became the conscious and unconscious way that I moved through the world. 

I also thought I was responsible for my dad’s drinking and thought that if I wasn’t fat (he was fatphobic) and did well in school then he wouldn’t go to the bar as often.

Do you see how we take on responsibilities that aren’t ours? We do this because if we think we’re responsible then we can have control over the person or situation and change it. Our brains try so hard to protect us!

My thoughts of being a bad person towards my sister and not being good enough to make my dad stop drinking really set me up for a small life. (This was my choice.)

I didn’t think I deserved a better boyfriend than the one who kept cheating on me and apologizing.

I didn’t speak up and keep my cashier role where I worked (which I loved and thrived at) because the “natural path” is to move into a sales role (which I hated!).

I stayed at Applebee’s where I was a server, when I could’ve gone to a highend restaurant and made a lot more money.

I stayed as a contracted massage therapist at a place that did not align with me for way too long instead of going out on my own. Big shock, I was so much happier and my practice really took off after I left and created my own space for my awesome clients!

If you want things to be different in you life, you have to be willing to see how you’re keeping yourself stuck.

Start by getting curious and notice your internal monolague.

What do you literally think about yourself, your life, your job, your relationship or lack of one, the number of dollars in your account, etc.?

Sometimes they’re your thoughts and words and sometimes they’re messages you heard from someone in your life or society and our culture.

What are your frequent flyer thoughts? You know the ones that just seems like background noise that you never question and believe are totally true?

You cannot change what you aren’t willing to look at!

You’ll get the same shit over and over because no one is coming to save you and that’s great news because that means you don’t have to wait!

You don’t have to wait one damn second to stop shrinking and start moving in the direction you want to go in your one big precious and beautiful life!

You just have to be willing to believe it’s possible.

If you are then the right on and let’s go!

If not, then you’re going to get more of the same.

The choice is always yours!

Your thoughts dictate your circumstances. Shitty thoughts = Debbie Downer energy and thitty circumstances.

Better thoughts = more opportunities, joy, happy “coincidences,” and less stress.

I believe we are here to thrive, live with so much joy, and have as much fun as possible! 

Not to just survive, do work that drains you physically and emotionally, and settle for toxic relationships. That combo will keep you numb, addicted, and dreading your days! 

Blech, choosing that way of life just makes me shiver with the ick and I refuse to live that way and I hope you do too!

Your life is what you make it, and how you respond to the things out of your control.

So how am I changing the neural pathways that kept me small for so many years?

I’m taking time and going back to the moment when I read Wanda’s letter. 

I’m standing in the kitchen, tears are streaming down my face, and I’m in shock at what I’m reading. But this time I’m standing next to my 17 year old self, comforting her and telling her that, “You didn’t do anything wrong, and that Wanda is jealous and lashing out at you. That she saw not getting a gift as a snub which it wasn’t. And sometimes the people we love do things that hurt, but that it’s not about you or a reflection of your worth or loveableness because those things are infinite!”

And I’m telling her with love and compassion, “Don’t you dare let this shrink you! You have so much light, humor, love, energy, and enthusiasm to share with the world and THAT’S who you are! Remember that if she asks again or if you ever doubt!”

This will be an ongoing practice because that experience with Wanda and my dad aren’t the only things that encourage my smallness. Society at large wants women to be quiet and small and thankfully more of us are saying, “FUCK THAT!”

My thoughts are changing and so is my life.

You got this, Sunshine and I’ve always got your back!