Self-hate

My coaching clients often share about how bad they feel about themselves.

It can be anywhere from getting down on themselves about something they said or did to their spouse or kids, to ruminating about a conversation at a party, to downright shame and hatred that lingers like a dark cloud.

One client shared that she felt awful about herself because she was let go from her job. Her brain made it mean that something must be wrong with her that they let her go. That she didn’t do enough or lacked in some way she could not figure out even though she was wracking her brain endlessly.

And this wasn’t the case because like most of my female clients, she was an over-achiever and often asked her boss if there was anything else she could be working on or doing to help the team.

When she started to describe and speak poorly about herself I knew it was time to tell her about my “spoiled milk” analogy.

It hit me one day, that the reason it feels like shit to feel so badly about ourselves is because that’s a sign, clue, red flag, or blinking light that we’re off the mark and veering away from the truth.

It’s like the reason dairy products smell bad when they’re spoiled. It’s a clue to our bodies that we shouldn’t eat them because they’re going to make us sick.

When we have thoughts of shame and guilt that run on loops and tell us that we suck and don’t deserve love and good things in life, those are spoiled milk thoughts!!

The fact that they feel so bad is a sign that they’re not true and don’t align with who you really are in your essence!

Now, let’s take a sec and look at a few reasons we got to this place of blaming and shaming ourselves.

First we live in a society where big companies make millions, billions, and trillions of dollars BECAUSE THEY MAKE US feel bad about ourselves. 

How would they sell the lotions, procedures, diet plans, and almost everything else marketed to women, if they didn’t tell us how we’re lacking, but can stop lacking if we just buy their products?!

All day, in countless, ways we’re told we fall short of the ideal or perfect woman, mom, wife, and human being. 

That we’re so close to getting there but we just need x, y, and z, from them and then we’ll nail it. 

THEN we’ll be happy, safe, better, not broken, or whatever it is you’re searching for.

So we buy their thingy, use it, and shockingly we don’t get the magical results we want…

We’re still not on the same page as our partner, our kids are still acting out at school, our skin and hair are showing normal signs of aging (gasp!), and we aren’t one bit happier or more peaceful.

Because we believed the lie that there’s something wrong with us and that we need something outside to fix it because we’re broken. And now we feel like an even bigger failure because it didn’t pan out how we wanted. (it wasn’t going to because we were trying to get “blood from a beet.”)

Zero truths detected.

All lies.

So naturally when some shit hits the fan, we internalize it because that’s what we’re trained to do.

And, here’s something we subconsciously learned as kids, “If it’s my fault, I can control or fix it.” When we often can’t. This is why many of us try to control everything in our lives.

You can’t control that your company fired you when they probably shouldn’t have hired you in the first place because they didn’t have enough work to keep you on.

You can’t control that your partner has a different communication style and needs time to process before discussing the thing.

You can’t control that your child is headstrong and not wanting to potty train.

But because we believe the “spoiled milk” thoughts, we think we suck as an employee, wife, and mom, rather than seeing them from a larger lens, and how you could show up for yourself with compassion and take helpful kitten steps. 

So what’s next?

Notice when your body or mind feels icky from your spoiled milk thoughts.

When I think them, I shrink literally and figuratively. I get quieter. I don’t seek fun or laugh as much. And I don’t make choices in my best interest. Because I don’t think I deserve better I won’t go for or ask for better.

As soon as I notice a spoiled milk thought and how I’m thinking and feeling, I’ll ask myself if the thought is true.

Is it true that I’m not a good dog mom because Ginny doesn’t know the “leave it” command yet and wants to eat her sister’s poop?

No, that’s not true, and we can do things to curb that behavior.

But if I didn’t look at the feeling and thought, I’d stay in stuck believing that shitty lie and feeling like crap about myself and that is NOT how I’m going to live my life and I don’t want that for your either!

Notice, ask yourself the question, then take a kitten step.

You got this, Sunshine and I’ve always got your back!