We can’t want it more than they do

We’ve all been there.

We want something for someone more than they do.

And those somethings are all over the place.

They could be a better job, a happier relationship, better health, stopping smoking or drinking too much. 

They could be better grades, friends who show up, boundaries they follow through on, a more adventurous life, or a more flattering wardrobe.

So we have conversations, make suggestions, beg, plead, give ultimatums, make boundaries we don’t stick to, or offer unsolicited advice.

And this all falls on deaf ears.

Because the other person has to want it enough to take the first step and then the next.

You can’t do all the work for them.

I was experiencing a lot of pain in my right Achilles tendon for longer than I’d like to admit, before I finally saw a Podiatrist.

He prescribed physical therapy, orthotics, 6 days of steroids, and a different brand of tennis shoe.

The rest was up to me.

It was up to me if I was going to do any, most, or all of what he suggested.

I could’ve just gotten the shoes, or gone to a few PT appointments but not done my daily “homework,” or saved the money and not gotten the orthotics and kept bitching to Sully how my tendon still hurts.

There wasn’t anything she could do to improve the situation and she couldn’t want it for me if I wasn’t willing to do the work.

And so I did every dang thing he suggested and found a way to incorporate my “homework” into my day so it was easy to remember and follow through on.

We logically know we can’t control other people.

But that doesn’t stop us from trying covert, passive, and sometimes aggressive ways to get them to do what we want.

I get it. 100%.

But ask yourself if it’s working.

Or is it making you bonkers, frustrated, angry, and straining your relationship?

You might be scared of losing them if they keep doing what they’re doing or neglecting their health. 

And that’s part of the reason you’re bending over backwards trying to change something that’s out of your control.

Your discomfort.

The only answer that’s going to save your sanity and not destroy your relationship, is to practice making peace with reality. 

Over and over and over.

The reality might be that your brother won’t take all his meds, or your daughter is in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat her very well, or your BFF stays at a job where her boss expects her to be available 24/7 and she constantly complains about it, or your kid is fine with getting C’s and B’s and not the A’s you want.

The sooner you take your death grip off of what you think their life, choices, or actions “should” be, and allow them to live their life and walk their own path, the sooner you’ll have more inner peace and a less strained relationship.

We don’t know what another’s path is supposed to be and it’s arrogant to think we do.

I made some epicly stupid decisions in my 51 years!

And I learned from them, grew, made better choices, gained more confidence and self-esteem.

No one could do this for me and it wasn’t anyone’s responsibility or job to do so.

Start living your life, and know that it’ll be uncomfortable to do things differently because something deep inside you will want to jump in, speak up, or rush to try to fix the situation. That’s just your primitive brain trying to protect you from your discomfort.

That’s not to say we don’t help, love, support, and encourage the fuck out of the people we love.

We just can’t want the thing more for them than they do.

You got this, Sunshine and I’ve always got your back!