Stop suffering
Let’s say you live in an apartment complex that has 4 buildings.
There’re no assigned parking spaces but a guy who lives in another building usually parks in front of the building you live in.
You think he should park in front of the building they live in.
This really gets under your skin.
You left notes on their car stating he should park in front of their building.
He keeps parking in front of your building.
Then you take it a step further and park your car so close to his door he can’t get in it on the driver side.
He calls the police.
The police officer clarifies there are no assigned spaces and tells you to not do it again.
We are such funny creatures!
The main character in this story is creating so much suffering for herself!
She thinks they “shouldn’t” park there.
Ok… let’s get curious for a minute and take the emotion out…
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them with out emotions:
Why shouldn’t he park there?
So what if he’s parking there? Why is it bothering you?
What are you making it mean that he parks there?
Are you using this innocuous situation to try to subconsciously avoid another area of your life where you feel powerless?
What are you avoiding by giving this guy and his choice of parking, your time and energy?
The reality is, that he’s parking there, and your arguing with that reality is making you bonkers, you’re leaving notes, and having the police called on you.
Humans “should” all over themselves, friends, family, and perfect strangers in real life and online.
Sometimes we feel powerless in an area of our lives so we focus on something else we think shouldn’t be happening in order to try to exert control over anything in our vicinity.
I did this with my body when I was sixteen.
SO MUCH was a dumpster fire but 2 things I could control were what I was eating and how much I was exercising.
So I basically starved myself by eating no more than 500 calories/day and worked out like a banshee. I got down to 116 which is 47 pounds less than I weigh now. I was on a mission, and taking the emotions I didn’t know how to process, out on myself.
So what are you “shoulding” in your life?
Why do you think you know what’s best, how it should go, or get to call all the shots in life?
You get to call the shots in your life, and if nothing else, you get to decide how to think about and respond to the thing.
What are you avoiding?
What are you keeping locked away, stuffed down, hidden from everyone in your life?
I invite you to write it down, then burn it to signify releasing and letting it go.
Or tell your dog, cat, or lizard. It won’t phase them in the slightest.
Nature is another great listener. The trees, flowers, water, and birds will gladly hold the secret that’s been molding inside and keeping you small so you don’t have to keep living this way.
Tell your therapist or coach. If you’ve got a good one, it won’t shock them or make them run. They’ll hold space and meet you with compassion and understanding because we ALL have things we still, or used, to cringe about.
When your reaction seems outsized, there’s definitely more going on than you realize.
First, notice your “shoulds.” And quadruple check them. They’re probably not true and don’t need your time and energy.
Next, slow down, pause, and ask yourself what you’re avoiding because to continue avoiding is adding layers of suffering that are unnecessary.
Start small, be 1% more compassionate with yourself, and make a tweak in your thoughts.
You got this, Sunshine and I’ve always got your back.
