Are you settling for crumbs?

I used to be that girl.

For years.

I dated the first guy that gave me attention.

And I stayed with him for 5 years through treating me with minimal consideration, microscopic amounts of respect, 3 rounds of infidelity, and 1 STD.

I thought it would get better.

I thought I could change him.

I thought, “If I just do X, Y, and Z, then he would change, see my worth, and the relationship would be good.”

I was subconsciously asking him to value me more than I valued myself.

I trained him how to treat me.

I showed him what was acceptable by taking him back because it felt good to hear, “I’m sorry and I love you,” and to get attention.

I thought so little of myself that I stayed.

I stayed because it was familiar, and familiar = safety which = survival.

None of us know this is the thought process going on in our primitive brains but it is.

And because we don’t know what’s going on and that it’s biology, we think we’re broken or fucked up, or a mess, or stupid for staying.

And then we beat ourselves up.

And we shame the hell out of ourselves.

And when we do those 2 things we ensure 1 thing.

That we will keep doing exactly what we’re doing because of the shitty thoughts and beliefs we’re having.

But you have another option.

One that won’t feel familiar in the beginning.

One that will feel ineffective.

One that will be uncomfortable in the beginning.

But I pinky promise that it’s the only one that works in the long run and finally gets you off the hamster wheel of shame shit different day and thinking about them all the damn time.

It starts with having 1% more compassion with yourself.

I had to hit pause on beating myself up long enough to get curious about why “it made sense” that I’d stay.

And it made sense because:

* I was emotionally neglected as a kid. I had food, shelter, and clothing, but zero emotional skills or support. So when a guy came along and showed me some attention, it was like getting an ice cold Gatorade in the desert. That makes perfect sense!

* I felt responsible for trying to fix my parents drinking so of course I felt responsible for trying to fix what was “clearly wrong with me” so he would treat me better. And if I just kept trying a little harder or could come up with something new then THAT would be the thing that made it all better. That makes perfect sense!

* My level of self-esteem was completely in the shitter and the crumbs he threw me were just enough to keep me there. It wasn’t until I started to think and believe that I deserved even a tiny bit better, that my eyes opened up and I started to think and believe, “You know what? This isn’t how I want to live the rest of my life and maybe I deserve better just because. Maybe I don’t have to earn it. And this new thought about myself started to determine what was and wasn’t acceptable behavior. As my thoughts and feelings about myself changed, it didn’t take long before I broke up with him for good and refused to take him back.

* The primitive part of our brain sees change and uncertainty as a threat to our safety so OF COURSE it didn’t want me to change anything. It wanted me to stay exactly where I was. Our primitive brain doesn’t care if we’re happy, treated well, or having a great time. It only cares if you survive and it knows you’ll survive the shitty treatment you’re getting. It’s imperative that you see that you’re staying because of BIOLOGY, and then pause, pull yourself into your prefrontal cortex by taking a few deep breaths, and making the conscious decision to be willing to make a little tweak. Until you’re willing to make a little change and be a little uncomfortable, you will never feel better.

Because our brains are literally wired to change, you can choose differently. 

I believe in you! 

You did not come to this planet to just accept crumbs.

No fucking way.

But if you don’t change, nothing will change.

You got this, Sunshine, and I’ve always got your back!