The unknown side of our nervous system

Our nervous systems are like thermostats.

We each have a unique range for what we have capacity and tolerance for.

This range is created during childhood to keep us safe because that’s all our primitive brains care about. 

Whether you grew up in a chaotic home with substance abuse, your family looked like the Cleavers, was somewhere in between. Your nervous system is normal and it just wants you to be safe and survive.

My range used to be pretty small and very sensitive. It didn’t take much to activate it and all of a sudden I was in fight or flight trying to prepare for whatever came next. 

Any little change in plans, new facial expression or tone from Sully, or seeing friends have fun without me on social media could start a spiral.

My system kept telling me “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!” instead of the reality of “it’s all good, we’re just cooking bacon…”

We’re all very familiar with this side of our nervous systems whether we’ve had words to describe our experience or just the sensations. 

This side of our systems gets all the airtime because we want to shut it the fuck down, make the feelings go away, just be calm as much as possible, and have tried lots of things to accomplish that.

And holy shit balls do I get that wish, desire, plea, and I write and podcast a lot about it!

But this post is about the other end of that thermostat.

I first heard about this end of the thermostat about 7-ish years ago thanks to Sully.

She showed me a meme or quote that said something to the effect of, “We have to recalibrate our nervous systems to learn that we don’t have to be on guard 24/7. That we can begin to let the better, the safer, the healthier in without rejecting it right away because it’s unfamiliar.”

My nervous system was VERY FAMILIAR with keeping people at arm’s length, being somewhat comfortable having fun but not too much fun, with my body being a certain weight but not less than that number, with expecting people to not be there emotionally (absent parents and emotionally unavailable boyfriends/girlfriends not that I had stellar emotional ability back then!).

Remember our systems register familiar as safe whether it’s “good for us” or not.

That’s why we stay in a relationship that’s long past its expiration date, why we don’t just put on our shoes and go for a walk, why we don’t ask the interesting person for coffee or drinks, why we talk about travel but don’t book the flights, why we complain about our job but don’t look for something better, why we eat a pint of ice cream after a salad, why we keep doing all the things for our family’s instead of instead of delegating.

We are familiar with how those things look and feel, so to our brains we’re safe, even though we might be fucking miserable.

If you’re in one of these spirals, nothing is wrong with you.

You are not broken.

And there’s no reason on earth why you cannot take a kitten step to change the trajectory you’re going.

You just need to show your nervous system that it is safe to do the thing.

Begin giving it proof and evidence that you will survive when you ask your partner to get you water when they’re in the kitchen, are honest that you’re craving tacos for dinner and not Chinese, delegate one task to your kids or partner, have coffee or drinks with the person who seems fun and interesting, or go away for a long weekend.

This is how you change your life.

If you don’t practice the scary thing in small ways, you’ll keep yourself scared and “safe,” but not fulfilled or being your favorite version of yourself.

If you don’t change anything, nothing will change.

You are the one you’ve been waiting for to rescue or save you..

You’re responsible for your healing and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you absolutely have what it takes regardless of anything you’ve done, tried, or feel worthy of!!

Stop waiting for someone else because it’s futile and it’s no one elses responsibility.

You can start right fucking now with opening your eyes to what you’ve stuck your head in the sand about.

Be honest with yourself and start practicing allowing yourself to grow your capacity for better because you deserve whatever you desire!

You got this, Sunshine and I’ve always got your back!