Always jumping in to fix?

Maybe it’s because you’re the oldest of your siblings.

Maybe it’s because no one else in your family of origin was going to get things done.

Maybe it’s because you were socialized as a woman.

Maybe it’s because conflict and tension is REALLY uncomfortable.

Maybe it’s because shit was chaotic and unpredictable when you were a kid and you had to be “ready for anything.”

It’s probably a mix of the above.

Whatever the reasons, this reaction has you jumping in to fix every dang problem, issue, conflict, or foul mood that your spidey senses detect.

Your primitive brain taught you that if you can control, fix, or resolve the problem, then you’ll feel better, be safe, and things will calm down.

And while your brain is just trying to keep you safe, it’s also keeping you in fight or flight mode with adrenaline and cortisol coursing through your veins.

Your body and brain don’t feel like they can relax and you’re jumping in to smooth over the rough edges of everyone’s life which is a lose-lose pattern.

You’re fucking exhausted from doing things that “don’t belong to you,” and the other people in your life don’t get the confidence from figuring shit out on their own.

This doesn’t mean you don’t help or support.

It does mean that you aren’t taking things on that aren’t your problems, messes, or things to work through.

Did you create the problem? No? Then it’s not yours.

Did you make the mess? No? Then it’s not yours.

Will the decision directly impact your life? No? Then it’s not yours.

This pattern kept us safe as kids and I’m grateful to my brain for being so smart that it created it for me.

But as an adult, working to have healthy and interdependent relationships, that pattern created a lot of drama, learned helplessness, and co-dependency in my life.

It was my default reaction to jump in and try to fix it.

I was reacting before I even really knew what was going on.

I really appreciate my get ‘er done approach to life but that “software” needed an update.

It was like malware that was making my life (and the lives of the people closest to me) tougher than it needed to be.

We were all suffering.

Like everything else, you have to become aware of what you’re doing before you can change it. 

Not to judge, punish, or be mean.

Please be 1% more compassionate with yourself.

The “old software” was what you needed back then but not anymore, no big deal.

Start small.

Are you always trying to fix your partner’s bad mood or when they get frustrated?

Pause.

Take 3 deep breaths.

Ask yourself if it’s really yours to fix.

Let them be. Go do something else.

By pausing just a few seconds, you create a gap between the stimulus and your response, and your power is in the gap!

That gap is where you get to decide if you really need to jump in (is someone bleeding?) or if the situation is not yours to fix.

Pausing also shows your brain that no one will die if you don’t jump in.

You will be safe and ok and so will they.

Giving your brain that proof and evidence is crucial to changing your response!

You’ve unintentionally trained your brain that your safety and survival depends on getting involved and taking over.

That’s what your brain is familiar with and it will always default to the familiar until you give it a new familiar.

Each time you pause and don’t jump in, that’s more proof and evidence that everyone will survive.

You are creating new neural pathways, weakening the old ones, and rewiring your brain!

How fucking cool is that?!

Please know that this is going to be very uncomfortable at first.

Anytime we do something unfamiliar, our primitive brains try to get us to go back to the familiar.

It’ll tell you that you have to fix it, that they can’t do it themselves, or that you won’t be ok if you just sit back and do nothing.

It’ll pump stress hormones into your bloodstream and up feelings of anxiety, all in an attempt to get you to do what it thinks will keep you safe.

I tell you this so you know when these things happen that it’s normal, nothing is wrong.

Nothing is broken and just keep going.

And with each time you don’t jump in, it gets easier!

I pinky promise because I rewired my brain around this issue.

It was uncomfortable AF to start.

I had to take deep breaths and talk to myself a lot in the beginning; reassuring myself that I’d be ok.

But I got through it pretty quickly and now I’m WAY LESS likely to jump in.

I have more energy because I’m not trying to do all the things for everyone in my life.

The people in my life didn’t love some of these changes to start because they were used to me doing things for them.

That’s ok, they adjusted and their confidence grew in the process because they learned they were capable of doing the thing.

If we keep taking challenging things away from people, they never learn what they’re capable of and you’re unconsciously saying, “I don’t think you can do this, so I’ll do it for you,” and that’s a lose-lose situation.

Start with being aware of how you’re jumping in.

Then the next time it happens, pause.

Ask yourself if it’s yours.

Expect and sit with the discomfort to show your brain you won’t die.

Tell your brain you’re trying something new so it knows what’s going on.

Then just keep practicing with the low-hanging fruit, the easier and low-stakes situations. Don’t go for the hardest ones right off the bat.

And know that anytime we’re practicing new thoughts and behaviors that the old ones are still there for a while.

Life isn’t linear, I bet you’ve been jumping in for a long time, and that’s ok.

Don’t expect yourself to turn on a dime and never do it again because that’s not realistic.

It’ll be 2 steps forward and 1 back and that’s ok, nothing’s wrong, that’s just how new neural pathways operate.

I believe in you!

You got this, Sunshine and I’ve always got your back!