Grief from both sides

Let’s talk about something no one likes to talk about but something we all will, or have, experienced.

Grief.

Losing someone or something we love. We feel grief about way more things and experiences than this, and that’s for another post.

Here are my suggestions if you know someone who’s lost someone or pet. I know you mean well and you’re intentions are good, but the impact can be not so good…

* Don’t tell the grieving person that their loved one or pet is “in a better place.” 

* Don’t ask them, “How are you doing?” The question seems caring and like you’re showing concern, but answering that question can be REALLY HARD and it changes from second to second. It can reopen the wound. The short answer is, they’re doing horribly. They feel like their world has been turned upside down and like their heart has gone through a meat grinder. I didn’t want to hang around people for a good while after the deaths I’ve experiences because I HATED answering that question! Instead, text them that you’re “thinking about them,” or send a note or card. Don’t ask them to put words to their pot pouri of emotions. 

* Don’t tell them to focus on the positive or happy memories. The United States as a whole, absolutely sucks at dealing with death and dying. We basically don’t deal with it. We pretend like it isn’t happening, expect the person to keep a smile on their face, and get over it as quickly as possible or at least to not be sad or upset “too much” or in public.

* Practice being a mature and present presence with them. You don’t have to cheer them up, they lost someone they love. They’re going to have ALL THE BIG FEELINGS and that’s ok and as it should be! You don’t have to fix them. Let them be angry, sad AF, disoriented, and function at 50% for a while. That’s normal, healthy, and to be honored. Everyone loses when we rush the grieving process! It can be uncomfortable to see someone you care about in pain, but deal with your discomfort. It’s not the grieving person’s responsibility to comfort or soothe you. Let them talk if they want to or just be quiet together. There’s nothing to fix or rush through. Don’t accidentally be a dick and pour salt on their wound.

* Don’t ask them what happened. They don’t owe you their story or experience. Instead, let them know you’re there to just listen if they want to talk.

Here are my suggestions if you’ve lost someone or a pet.

* First, I’m really sorry for your loss! I see you and I hear you.

* One of the best things I was told when I lost my dad was, “Lower your expectations of yourself to like 50% for 6 months.” Grieving is a very physical process and exhausting for your nervous system. Figure out what your baseline is and go for that. Maybe that looks like showering most days of the week, wearing only comfortable clothes, zero makeup, doing C or B quality at work for a while, or waiting for a bit to “go for the promotion.” Maybe it means more take-out or crockpot meals, hiring someone to clean the house for a few months, or asking another parent to do afterschool pickup so you can go to yoga or take a walk before everyone gets home. You decide, and don’t try to be Wonder Woman.

* This is one of the most difficult things for our nervous systems to process. Of course each circumstance is different but for example, when my dad died I could not comprehend how the world was still turning, how everyone was just acting like something enormous hadn’t happened, and I didn’t know up from down. He’d been such a huge presence and part of my story and I couldn’t comprehend how he was just, gone… I kept expecting to call him and he’d answer, “Oh hi Sweetheart!” Or when I went home to take care of his estate, that he’d be sitting in his Lay-Z-Boy chair watching all his favorite game shows with his dog, Rascal at his side.

When we had to say goodbye to each of our dogs, it was like love itself had died. Or I didn’t have a shadow anymore. They were supposed to be following me into the bathroom or sitting next to me on the couch, and they weren’t. Our pets calm and regulate our nervous systems, and all of a sudden we don’t have that precious “tool,” so we can feel discombobulated and restless; less able to soothe ourselves. 

It takes acknowledgment and feeling the pain in order to move through. And by doing that you will find a new normal.

* It takes time and there is no timeline. Not one person gets to tell you, “Get over it, it was just a dog or cat, it’s time to get back out in the dating scene,” or any version of those shitty and immature comments. There isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve and everyone’s process is different. Every day can look a little different too. Some days you may go through a box of Kleenex, and the next just half a box. 

Grieving isn’t linear and it sure as hell is messy. The more you can be with whatever feeling is present and feel it without trying to make it go away, the better. When we suppress our feelings, they just wait for us. But in the waiting, they fester and rot and often erupt on our closest people which is not good or fun. Emotions last about 90 seconds when we don’t suppress them. 

* If you’ve lost your appetite, have your absolute favorite foods on hand and allow yourself to eat them, I don’t care what they are. Allow yourself to comfort yourself with food and have other ways to soothe too. This is a season and it will not last forever. Remember grieving is exhausting and you need energy. Eat the mac-n-cheese, ice cream, pizza, cereal, fries, and cookies. Or chips and queso if you’re a savory person (I’m not so I don’t have as many examples). 

* Talk to who you lost. Tell them how you’re feeling and don’t hold back. It’s ok to be angry with them, they can take it. Tell them how much you miss them and how sad you are that they're gone. Have conversations with them. We’re all made of energy and I believe they can still hear us and “be with us,” on some level. Or write them a letter. Do whatever you feel the urge to do.

* You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t have to return every call, text, email, or send a thank you note for every gift or meal you’re given. I never expect it because I know they’re going through a lot and I don’t want them stressing over thanking me for a casserol. Or thank them down the road when you have more energy. Not everyone gets to hear the whole story or be privy to the sacredness of your relationship. You don’t have to post anything on social media unless you want to and you can decide who sees it (TY Fb for the option of selective recipients).

* When we unexpectedly lost our black Lab, Georgia, about 2 years ago, my friend Jenny told me about a book that became a salve to my grieving soul and one I invite other grievers to check out. It’s called The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller. It’s hard to describe this book other than it should be given to everyone going through any form of grief.

Whether you’re the person grieving or someone you care about is, please be graceful and mindful, this is hard and sacred work.