Stop being so nice!

I know you’ve been there.

Maybe a friend does this.

Or someone who shops in the store you manage.

Maybe it’s an extended family member.

Whoever it is, the pattern is the same.

They dominate the conversation with their drama, ailments, goings on (as my dad would say), and just generally word vomit all over you without any real desire to have a balanced chat.

And how do you feel after an exchange like that?

Exhausted, maybe like you need a shower, drained, frustrated, annoyed, or disrespected?

A couple things are happening in this scenario.

We think we have to be “nice,” and we’re training people how to treat us.

Let’s talk about the “nice” part first.

Holy smokes, being “nice” is literally in a woman’s DNA. 

We’re socialized from birth that we need to be “nice” in order to be liked and accepted by our groups.

This has been our brain’s wiring for millions of years because our ancestors would die if they were kicked out of their group for “bad” behavior. 

Their safety and survival literally depended on remaining in the group.

So of course we don’t want to be “mean” to someone and potentially get ostracized from our group. 

THAT’S WHY IT’S SO CHALLENGING TO HAVE BOUNDARIES! OUR BRAINS STILL THINK WE WILL DIE IF WE “OFFEND” SOMEONE.

But that’s just outdated wiring that can be tweaked with practice.

It’ll be uncomfortable at first because your brain will try to get you to keep doing what it thinks you should do in order to be safe.

But I pinky promise it will get easier with practice because with each practice you’re giving your brain proof and evidence that you’ll survive.

This is exactly how we rewire our brains! Little kitten steps in the direction you want to go!

And it doesn’t mean we suddenly start acting like assholes to everyone. There is a big space on the spectrum of I can be kind to you AND to me.

Ok, so that’s the “nice” part. Now the “training people how to treat us part.”

When we continually allow them to word vomit all over us and take up hours of our time, we are unconsciously telling them that it’s ok.

Because why would they think otherwise? We haven’t said or done anything to the contrary.

We are responsible for taking care of this. 

How ‘bout we be kinder to ourselves and stop allowing this behavior?

It’s not up to them to “see that they’re draining you,” or “stop wasting your time with one-sided conversations,” or “when are they going to ask about me?”

That’s on us.

That’s our responsibility. 

Some people just don’t see it or operate that way and you get to decide if you’re going to continue spending time with them.

I know you can come up with something short and tactful to excuse yourself from the conversation.

It is not your responsibility to just take it and keep getting dumped on. 

They can hire a therapist, coach, or find someone else to listen to them.

The choice is yours and it will feel uncomfortable in the beginning to change this dynamic.

The alternative is to just keep taking it… Blech!

I believe in you and I’ve always got your back, Sunshine!