When we avoid something, we’re training our brain that the thing, situation, person, is dangerous and a threat to our safety and survival.

We don’t realize that’s what we’re doing, but subconsciously that’s the message that gets wired and solidified into our brain when we keep avoiding.

That avoiding also starts to create an elephant in the room, an underlying anxiety (because you’re training your brain that there’s a threat), and a rotting and rift from the inside out.

You think, feel, and act from a place of anxiety and avoidance. 

You’re not responsible for changing or fixing someone else’s emotional state.

Especially if they’re an adult.

We’re all responsible for the energy we bring to an experience or situation.

A lot of people are emotional children walking around in adult bodies.

And when we try to fix, alter, or improve their mood you’re doing two harmful things.

Biases are one way our brains conserve energy in case you need it for a saber-toothed tiger.

Our primitive brains will never know what year it is so we need to keep reminding them and using our prefrontal cortex when making most of our decisions.

Our brains would prefer we don’t go all rogue and willy nilly thinking about and trying new things.

Nope, they’d like it if you'd keep doing what you’ve been doing, no matter the consequences or how you feel, thankyouverymuch!

And one tricky, sneaky, and honestly brilliant way our brains keep us from veering from our very well-worn patterns (even when they’re painful and keep us stuck and miserable) is by employing the exception bias.

Good news peeps!

You can stop spinning your wheels, feeling like sh*t about yourself, looking for the magic bullet or thing that will “fix” you, looking outside yourself for affirmation, self-esteem, confidence, and that general seemingly illusive feeling of okayness in your skin!

Cuz it’s only available from you and there’s an endless supply!

No more throwing yourself under the bus.

No more pleasing all the people except yourself.

No more trying to make changes you want, only to revert back to your old maladaptive patterns.

No more anxiety 24/7.

No more wondering, “What’s wrong with me and why is everyone else just dandy and I’m having a constant internal dumpster fire?!”

No more feeling broken or alone.

Here’s the simple truth.

For those playing along at home, here’s an update on how my MRI went.

It was such a different experience than my last one where I had to have the tech stop the procedure because I was having a panic attack.

By the end of this one I was almost asleep!

Like, WTAF?!

We all want to know what the hell we can do for ourselves when we’re spiraling and you know I’ve always got your back, Sunshine.

We can’t think our way out of a spiral. 

We need to tend to our bodies because 80% of our nervous system’s info comes from our bodies!

Who knew right?!

Here are two of my fave tools that I use throughout my day to regroup, soothe, center, calm, and just check in with my precious and hardworking nervous system.

Let’s look at what “imposter syndrome” really is, with a very common example.

A coaching client, I’ll call her Lilly, has entered a new line of work, and is feeling a metric ton of “imposter syndrome.”

She’s passed all the required exams and is licensed to do the work.

But she’s feeling wholly unqualified to actually do the work.

She’s getting fire hose after fire hose of information and feels out of her element.

She’s comparing herself with folks who’ve been in the field for 3+ years.

Brains are wired for negativity.

Our ancestors didn’t need to know which berries tasted good, they needed to know which berries could kill them.

Brains are always scanning for danger because they want to keep us safe, i.e. alive.

So when we wake up and have immediate feelings of anxiety, nothing is wrong with you.

You’re not broken, messed up, nor do you have a screwy brain.

I have a page of blog posts on my site so people can get to know who I am, learn how I see things, and how I coach with my peeps.

And I haven’t updated the page since August of 2023, LOL!

I don’t think about it and when someone mentions a blog post they read on my site I think to myself, “Oh yeah, I have that and I really should update it regularly, damn it!”

And then I forget about it until that scenario happens next time and I say that again to myself and feel bad that I haven’t done anything about it.

Queue the shame and blame spiral.

Life isn’t hard because you’re doing it wrong.

It’s hard for every human on the planet regardless of what you see on someone’s social media.

Everyone loses someone, has to wait for biopsy results, wonders how they’ll pay for the broken washing machine, has to decide to keep or let go of a toxic friendship, or figure out where their career is going next.

Whoever started the lie that it’s supposed to be easy should be forced to watch “Baby Shark” until they cry for mercy.

When you believe consciously or unconsciously that life should be easy, you create a sh*t sandwich for yourself.

It’s ok to change your mind about that thing that’s weighing on your mind and heart.

You have permission to reevaluate a friendship that’s all take and no give.

It’s ok to say, “This thing isn’t working for me this way anymore,” and take a beat to figure out your next step.

Just because you’ve been doing something one way for a hot minute, doesn’t mean you have to do it that way for the rest of your life until you die.

It’s ok that I ‘ve had an on-again-off-again relationship with sugar and/or alcohol for years, and now that I’m trusting myself in ways I never have, I’m figuring out what’s next.

This has been a small but huge shift for me that I didn’t see coming.

A client reached out to me in a panic.

She had an upcoming doctor’s appointment and was having a hard time, “settling herself.”

She was getting test results and was feeling anxiety about the unknown.

Makes perfect sense; of course she was feeling that way.

The normal and healthy primitive part of her brain was getting her amped up in order to be ready to respond.

It wanted her to be able to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn, and anxiety is a quick avenue to keep us on our toes.

What do I mean when I say, “I managed my mind while at a doctor’s appointment yesterday”?

I mean that when my new Endocrinologist (I have a tiny benign tumor on my Pituitary gland)

said I should have an MRI since my last one was 5 years ago, and my brain freaked out because I don’t like being “in the tube” and it makes me want to scream and fight to get out; I showed up for myself and didn’t spiral all day. 

Here’s one of the best analogies I’ve heard about anxiety.

Let’s say you’re walking on a trail in a park and you see something squiggly up ahead on the path.

Your nervous system causes you to freeze in your tracks because it can’t tell what said squiggly thing is.

It’s a “potential” threat.

Is it a snake or a stick?

You have 2 options with 2 different outcomes.

If you think you’re lazy, I bet that’s just an error in your thoughts about yourself. 

I bet there are plenty of examples how you get sh*t done but there might be one thing or area where you seem to drag your feet or procrastinate.

Let’s look at what else could be going on besides the quick and dirty and shaming label of lazy.

The primitive part of our brains are only concerned with you staying alive from one day to the next. 

Period. Hard stop.

We’re fed this line of crap in our culture that we need to, “FIND OUR PASSION!”

And we all believe it!

I know I used to until I put the work into dissolving that belief and headed in a different direction.

How do you feel when someone asks you, “What’s your passion?”

I used to get a deer in the headlights look on my face, I’d stammer, freeze, I’d feel like I had to come up with something awesome and amazing, and wind up feeling like I sounded like an idiot.

It’s a really stressful question.

And the wrong one!

Here’s one of the best analogies I’ve heard about anxiety.

Let’s say you’re walking on a trail in a park and you see something squiggly up ahead on the path.

Your nervous system causes you to freeze in your tracks because it can’t tell what said squiggly thing is.

It’s a “potential” threat.

Is it a snake or a stick?

You have 2 options with 2 different outcomes.

There are 3 primary states of the nervous system. Safe/social, fight/flight, and freeze.

There are 4 hybrid states of the nervous system. Play, stillness, fawn, and hypervigilance.

The one I’m most familiar with is hypervigilance, and it’s described as feeling frozen, on edge, and scanning for danger.

When I’m in that state I feel exhausted, irritable, and like everything is very serious.

When I start to feel frozen, on edge, or I’m scanning for danger, I can go into what’s called a danger feedback loop.

When I first started my massage therapy career, and a client would cancel an appointment, I would take it so personally!

I’d think, “Why did they cancel? Did I use a level of pressure they didn’t like? Did I use a technique that they didn’t prefer? What did I do wrong that they don’t want to come back in?”

So many self-blaming and shaming thoughts ran through my head that created so much suffering.

I spent so much time and energy trying to figure out what the “problem” was.

This week I’ve had more calls, texts, and emails than usual and my brain is treating them like they’re life-or-death important. They are important and I will get back to the sender ASAP, but I don’t want to keep reinforcing the lie my primitive brain is telling me that, “my life is in danger and I need to get back to them as fast as possible or ‘something bad’ will happen!!”